Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
