so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
