Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
