Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
