I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
