Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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