this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
