Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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