I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize