Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
