also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
