I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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