Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
