nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
