Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
