I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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