if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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