...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
