The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
