sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
