I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
