im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
