party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
