Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
