I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
one might say we're banned from that church
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
