Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
