so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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