I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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