My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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