Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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