I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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