May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
