I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
