I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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