An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
