Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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