it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
