well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
