Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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