I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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