She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
