WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
