none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
