My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
this just has baby written all over it
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
