How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I think I won the penis lottery.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
