Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
