This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Your cock deserves a montage
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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