I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My cat gives me a boner
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
