I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
