Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
