I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
