I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
