last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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