she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
