Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
